To Do List : The Winter Break Edition

Freedom. Sweet, wintry, fantastic freedom. Finals are over and the semester has finally dragged itself to a close. It might take a few days to kick in, but one of these mornings I’m going to wake up (around noon, hopefully), look around me and think: so this is what it’s like to be in heaven. this is what it feels like when evil has left my presence and God has taken me up on a billowy cloud of peace and contentedness. Okay, that might be a tad farfetched, as I’m positive that God wouldn’t make it cold outside while I’m flying up to heaven. But that’s beside the point.

At the beginning of my month off from University imprisonment, I always have big plans. I want to do a million things that I usually never have the time for. This year, I’m hoping to actually stick to a few of my plans and I’m thinking that writing them here will hold me more accountable. Also, I think that these are things that everyone should try to do over their month-long hiatus.

Holiday Shopping

 At this point, I have literally gotten 3 gifts total. Am I in trouble? Maybe. Am I terrified to brave the mall? Absolutely. But I suppose the first thing to check off over winter break is the preparation for Christmas. 

Question: At what point do you know when you have gotten your mother enough for Christmas? She gave you life. What tops that? No matter how many gifts I get her, when will she say “You know the way you feel right now? Being alive and all? That gift just made me feel that way. Alive.” ….Pretty sure that’s never gonna happen, folks.

And how do we even begin to buy for our fathers?! What do they even want?? What do they not already have?? My dad literally asked me to buy him a gun and, what I think he called, a deer shelter (because, clearly I’m a fountain flowing with cash and I use dollars to spit my gum out in). But seriously, even if I had the money…a deer shelter? I can’t even picture myself walking into a place that would sell that, let alone asking for assistance.

By the way, what is a deer shelter?! This thing?

If so, that is one ruddy, uncomfortable looking mess. Am I expected to purchase the materials and fashion one of these myself? Where do I present it to  him, obvs not under the tree…outside in the snow?? My money shall go toward wonderfulness, not scruffy, outdoorsy ridiculousness. So I bought him the Dark Knight. Because who doesn’t like Bat-Man? The answer is nobody.

Sledding

The best winter past time, for about 30 minutes. It’s all fun and games until frost bite starts creeping up your phalanges, right? Not to mention the fact that you slam into ice and get body checked so many times, you feel like grandpa after heart attack number 2.  

On sledding day, my sister and I would prepare by insulating ourselves with about 50 items of clothing. Then we’d squeeze into my dad’s truck and head to the park, toasty and warm in our attire. Upon arrival, we’d jump out of the truck, boots would hit the snow, and no matter how much we were wearing, our toes would freeze off. Ridiculous, I tell you. At the top of the hill, the anticipation of flying down is amazing. The actual flying down is amazing (sometimes). But then you get to the bottom, and you look up at that hill that you just thought was awesome. And suddenly it’s not so awesome. Because you have to jog up it. You can’t walk, no no. You must jog. Because you’re a kid and you have to get to the fun part as soon as possible so running is absolutely necessary.

So then you run, and you slip and fall about thirty times, because for goodness sake you are running on an incline covered in snow and ice. And then you get to the top and your body is sweaty and hot, and your hat is plastered to your sweaty forehead but curiously, your legs, arms, fingers and toes are as cold as the ice you just faceplanted on. That, my friends, is an uncomfortable situation. But you shake it off and get down to business.

Now, to describe the sledding experience. The art of sledding is tricky and seldom mastered. If there are two on the sled, it immediately becomes detrimental. If there are two sisters on the sled, impending death is a possibility. The first issue is on the matter of who will steer the vessel. If I was the one to steer, there was usually a 90% chance of crashing into the woods, a person, or foreign object. Steering is tricky! Something that heavily involves body weight and arm strength = bad news bears. And we all know that moment when we are positive we are going to die or become permanently paralyzed right before hitting a huge, child-made snow ramp.

If the slope is busy, the chances of my sister and I plowing down a fellow sledder was in the upper percentile. The worst is when you know you are about to hit somebody, and you can see them about 30 feet down the slope and you scream at them…but guess what? Everyone else around you is screaming too and they don’t notice. Nevermind the fact that your sled is neon green and you and your sister have bright blue coats on. They still don’t see you. Then the terrible moment of eye contact right before the impact…and then BAM!

So, 30 minutes of joy and raucous behavior, and then I’m ready for my hot chocolate and dry clothes.

Sleep

With enthusiasm and longevity.

Read a Book

I always plan to do this and I hardly ever do, but for real. Reading is for cool kids and it should happen more often. It’s hard to do it though, because there’s always a movie or a party to distract us. I know these things, I can relate. I’m on your side, people. Just pick up a book over break. It’s perfect timing.

Books on my list? I need to finish The Time Travelers Wife and I want to read Beloved. You should read them too. We can have a discussion party. Okay, see you there.

Take a Trip

My roommates and I are going to Chicago. At least that’s the plan so far. Because traveling is important and it needs to happen (much like reading). Go somewhere big that’s scary at night. Except don’t get lost at night. Because that’s when bad things happen to good people.

That’s all for my Winter Break shenanigans. Merry Christmas to all. Rest up before the educational torture resumes.

-V

All that is Sexy.

I am currently bracing myself for all that is sexy…. this Thursday at midnight.

I remember reading the sad tale of Bella’s agony. I remember the hole in her chest. I remember the nightmares about Edwert (the culmination of Robert & Edward). But what do I remember the most? You guessed it. Sexy wolf-man Jacob. Let me just be frank in saying that I will be losing my mind around midnight on Thursday. And I will continue to lose my mind into the wee hours of Friday morning. And then, I’ll go home and lose my mind further in my dreams of the naked torso-ed Jake, gently holding me against his warm musky chest and whispering… “Vanessa…I would never…leave you”, as I lightly trace the outlines of his wolf-pack tattoo with my finger.

Edwert v. Jake??

Let’s be real here, people. There’s no competish. Jacob has got this.

Sweaty, tattooed, morphing, howling wolf pack hotness. Coming to a theater near you.

p.s. This wolf pack tattoo is going to be on my body.

-V

Halloween: Not So Spooktacular.

If you don’t know this about me, it’s time you learned. I don’t like Halloween. I think it’s horrible. Candy shaped like severed appendages, grotesque masks, creepy music, movies and tv shows detailing the murdering and mutilation of fellow human beings. Am I describing a cult gathering? Dark magic? No no. I’m describing an American holiday. What is up with our nation’s fascination with such a morbid celebration?!

So, I’m a little bitter toward Halloween. And you might want to know why I feel so strongly. Well, let me give you a little history of my life’s version of the Halloween experience. It aint pretty.

Scary Movies

We all know that scary movies and Halloween go hand-in-hand. Therefore, I associate my terrifying experiences with scary movies as a child with this holiday. I remember one of the first scary movies that I ever watched: Candy Man. That film ruined a good year of my life. A year of my youth, people! I can never get that back! All I remember from that movie is a creepy guy with a crazy claw thing on his hand, a trench coat, lots of swarming bees in toilets, and people dying. Let me tell you what this did to me.

If my family were gathered downstairs, let’s say…playing a game or eating dinner, and I would suddenly have the urge to pee, terror would strike my heart. Because I couldn’t just waltz up the stairs like a normal kid to relieve myself. Oh no. I had to be accompanied to the restroom. The hallways were dark up there, and there was no way I could reach  my sweaty little hand out to turn on the light switch in the darkness alone. Anything could have happened to me, don’t you realize?!?!

It got so bad that the family would take turns taking me upstairs. I’d announce that I had to pee and everybody would groan and look at each other. “It’s your turn!” dad would say to mom. Eventually, my sister Natalie got stuck with the duty permanently. Natalie would have to literally stand outside of the bathroom door, with the door open, so if anything grabbed me out of the toilet, materialized in the bathtub, or climbed out of the mirror, the door would provide easy access for my rescue.

How on earth I thought my little sister could save me, I have no idea. Maybe I thought I could offer her up for bait while I escaped through the bathroom window?

I specifically remember one day, I was standing in front of my mirror in my room and tears started streaming down my face. I whispered to my reflection: “My life…*sob*…is ruined! *sob*”. Okay, I was a taaad on the dramatic side, but can you see what this did to me?! Scary movies are no bueno. Here’s the thing about a scary movie with ghosts/demons in it…if you are a kid who sees that stuff, you are certain that is exactly how you are going to die – mutilation by a ghost. There’s not doubt in your mind.  And there’s no way to defend yourself. I mean, maybe if you were being attacked by a human killer you could outsmart them. But with a ghost, you’re screwed from the start. It can only end in inevitable death.

Dressing Up

I like a costume party as much as the next person. But there is a difference between costumes and Halloween costumes. Halloween costumes have the potential to make a person gag up their dinner, no joke. Must we be bloody and disgusting for Halloween? Is it truly necessary, people of America?! I think not. Let me tell you some of my uncomfortable childhood costume moments.

It started out great. I promise it did. I was a fairy princess thing every year. Sparkly dance costumes, fun makeup, colorful tights, the whole bit. Then I got older and decided to branch out…I wanted to be Princess Jasmine. So I let my little sister wear my old dance costume and be the customary sparkly fairy princess and I went out in search of creating my own costume. I gathered my materials and on Halloween night, I proudly walked to every door in my Jasmine get up.

I got the tight smiles and the “ohhh, how c-cuuute….you must be a fairy princess (to my sister) and you must be a…a…well a little pirate!” Oh hell no. A pirate, lady?! A pirate. Clearly, this tiara represents an Arabian beauty?? Starts with a J, ends with an asmine?! work with me.

Needless to say, costumes weren’t my strong point.

And the older I get, the harder it is to think of a costume. Clearly my fairy princess days are far behind me, as I highly doubt a tutu and sparkly makeup would fly these days. So I have to legit brainstorm and google search ideas. Way too much effort for an evil holiday, if you ask me.

Trick-or-Treating

I’ll say it up front: I love candy. But it’s not about the lovin’ it, folks. It’s about how you’re gettin it. As a child, I had to go through some pretty shady situations to get candy. I can remember several times when people took their candy-giving just a little too far.

1) I’ll never forget the time my dad literally had to get out of the car and rescue us from this crazy crazy skeleton man. We pull up to the house, and we immediately realize that we’re dealing with some insanity right off the bat. This guy has his entire house decked out. He’s got flashing lights in the windows and stuffed monsters sitting in his living room chairs…it’s horrendous. So I’m all like “daaaddy, let’s just go to the next house…” and Natalie’s all like “no dad! vanessa let’s just go! oh my gosh you’re being so stupid!” and i’m all like “fiiiiiiiiine.”

So Natalie drags me from the car and we stumble up his driveway, which literally has stations, with various displays, that he is guiding all of the children through. There’s a skeleton station. There’s a tank full of disgusting body parts station. And…there’s a coffin station. Guess where we had to get our candy from. You got it – the coffin station. Not cool, skeleton man. Not cool.

So we are asked by skeleton man to reach in and get our candy out of a coffin. A coffin?!  A coffin. WHO BUYS A COFFIN?! Because you’re right, candy from a casket sounds mighty delicious. Tell me, what is fun about death?! I mean, besides going home to Jesus, what on earth is exciting about death? Corpses? no. Dusty skeletons? nope. Gravestones? hmm…still not fun, nope. And then you go so far as to ask me to grab my tasty treats out of the very thing that carries death?! Still not fun, folks. Still not fun. No thank you skeleton  man.

We were up in skeleton man’s driveway for so long that my dad had to come up and get us….and what did I say when we got back in the car? “that was the worrrsssstt trick-or-treating of my liiiiife!” True that, little Nessa. True that.

2) This one guy had green fog coming from his house, giant spider webs, and screams were coming from his garage. This, my friends, is the meaning of taking it too far. I couldn’t even make it up the driveway that time.

3) Natalie and I walked up to a normal looking house – lights were on, seemingly friendly. No decorations outside. My kinda house. Just get the candy and get out, ya know? Well, we knock on the door….nothing happens. These people just had their screen door closed, so we could see into their living room…not a soul in sight. Suddenly a GIANT HAIRY MONKEY jumped in front of the door. I about lost my mind right then and there.

Moral of the story: People need to calm down with this trick-or-treating business. Just give the kids candy and my God, keep it simple! Do you want child mortality rates to go up as a result of hearts stopping at the sight of a giant hairy monkey?!

 To the People who Go Ballistic on Halloween:

Come on, guys. What other things could you be doing with the time it took you to string up fake spider webs and pour fake blood all over your body to terrify children with? Well let’s see, I could think of a hefty list of things. You could feed the poor, swim in a pool, watch the Disney channel, laugh merrily with friends. The list goes on, people.

Let’s just say, the true holiday begins when Halloween gives way to Thanksgiving. Bring on the real holidays.

-V