Still Flying on the Wings of Love

I haven’t updated in two weeks, I know. I apologize. Life has gotten the best of me. But, I’m here to make up for all of that by giving you a two in one post…I’ll update on the last two episodes so we’ll be almost caught up.

Two Mondays Ago: Road-trips. Campfires. Flannel Shirts.

We begin this episode with the announcement of a road-trip. The girls run outside in their pj’s to discover two RV’s. The girls scream and run excitedly in circles around them. Ali catapults herself into the baggage compartment. They are that excited to see vehicles so big. Harrison informs the ladies that they will be departing on their adventure in one hour. The girls scramble to pack their things and we hear Gia exclaim, “I really hope this RV has a shower!” …..Well I hope so too, Gia. Nobody likes a stinky swim suit model.

The group is split up between the two RV’s. The girls breathe a sigh of relief that Vienna and Ali have been placed in separate vehicles. I groan in disappointment. The epic battle (Ali v. Vienna) will not rage on as strongly if they are separated! Get it together abc.

“I would rather ride a bike behind the RV, or be dragged behind it by my wrists than be on a bus with Ali and Tenley.” says Vienna

“I’m ready to roll down the highway of love with mah baby Jake” says Momma Ella

We see Jake tearing down the highway of love on his motorcycle ahead of the RV’s. He drives down a dusty vineyard path. We see him zip up an orange tent that the abc crew has already taken the liberty of erecting for the group. I wonder if they will all stay in that orange tent with Jake.

*Side Note* If I were the girls I would feel extremely gypped about the fact that I had to stay on a bus/orange tent instead of the beautiful bachelor mansion.

The busses roll to a stop in front of a rugged Jake, bearing a flannel shirt. Vienna rubs herself on him and asks if that orange tent is the one that she and he will be sharing together, resulting in general awkward reactions from the entire group. “Here, Gia. Have a note. don’t read it until I’ve disappeared into my orange tent.” says Jake.

As soon as Jake rounds the buses, Gia rips the note open and reads “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars”  ”I’m shaaaaaking! I’m completely extatict about this!” says Gia. Extatict? That’s not a word, sister. Stick to modeling. Talking isn’t your strongest suit.

Next, we see Jake shaving his face over a barrel full of rain water with his shirt off in an open field. The mountains and vineyard spread out behind him and he looks like a man.

Gia’s one-on-one Date

1) Vienna sits with a glass of wine and screams on the inside as Gia gets on the back of Jake’s bike.

2) Gia and Jake play hide and seek in  the vineyard. (???? yikes) Gia skips around barefooted as Jake sprints up and down the isles of grapes. I mean, seriously. He sprints. Like his life depends on it. He finally finds Gia hiding among the twists of a grape vine and runs to attack her. She wraps her legs around his waist and he walks down the isle holding her like a baby…the guitar music swells. He carries her baby-style for far too long…and it is incredibly awkward.

3) The couple settle down for a little snack on a blanket. They decide to take a little walk down memory lane and reveal their dark pasts. “My bookbag and shoes were stolen from me in school all the time,” says Gia, “I went to high school in the slums. I was a slum dog millionare. We had cops sweep our clothes for guns and knives. I was knifed in school once because some girl thought I was too pretty. It was the worst”

4) Jake’s turn: “Although I may not have had as checkered a past as yours, I have had a few trials and tribulations of my own, Gia. In 9th grade they used to call me ‘Mr. Dateless‘. There were a lot of girls that I thought were pretty, but I didn’t have the confidence to talk to them. It was 11th grade before I kissed a girl. I was so disgraced.” Reeeeeeal rough, Jake. Try getting knifed for being too pretty.

5) Gia tells the adolescent tale of being kissed during the classic game of “spin the bottle“.  ”I have never played spin the bottle” says Jake. Jake then asks to spin the wine bottle on the cheese cutting board. The game begins. Here are the rules:

-First spin = kiss on the cheek

-Second spin = kiss on the lips

-Third spin – go all the way

Wait….what?! This is abc television…family friendly?

6) Jake pushes the cutting board to manipulate each spin…he wants to go all the way. Gia bites her lips as she waits for Jake to crawl over to her…all the way. She massages his neck as Jake is on all fours in front of her. Oh Lord. What does all the way MEAN?!

7) No worries, guys. They just make out. While he remains on all fours. Yikes. Now it’s time for them to cozy up around a fire. Jake tries to light one and fails miserably. He claims to be an outdoorsman. No no. He lights the wood with a firestarter. “THIS IS MY FIRST FIRE!” exclaims Gia. I have decided that she sounds like a child when she talks.

8. Gia tells jake her life plan. She wants two kids and to adopt a baby from China. “I’d totally be down with adopting an asian.” says Jake. “Oh yeah…and I want a potbelly pig, too. To remind me of how skinny I am. Every day.” says Gia.

9) Meanwhile on the other side of the hill, the girls are getting antsy while roasting s’mores. Tenley lets out a coyote howl. (……) Ashleigh finds a mysterious note on the windshield….Imagine the abc crew member creeping around in a hooded black sweatshirt to put that note on there without being detected…chilling in every sense of the word. Ashleigh announces the group date: “Falling in love”

10) Back at the date: Gia stays in her makeshift snuggie while Jake goes to get the rose. A piano rendition of “On the Wings of Love” plays as the couple passionately makes out before the fire.

GROUP DATE

1) Vienna quote: “Jake is my boyfriend and I don’t want these other beezy’s with us”

2) Ali tells the camera that she hates Vienna. Again.

3) Jake is waiting for the girls on the beach. On his motorcycle (of course). When the girls hop off of their mobile home, Jake warns them, “Be prepared to get EXtreeeemely dirty on this date, ladies!” Ali freaks out and says yes yes yes she’s soooo excited.

4) They walk up to waiting dune buggies. Ali calls shotgun for riding with Jake and things get real awkward and silent for a few seconds. The girls squint and stare into the sunlight with folded arms until Jake breaks the silence with a nervous chuckle.

5) “WHATEVS, have your 30 minutes with him because he’s MY husband, so I’ll be with him forevs.”, says Vienna.

6) Jesse and Vienna get stuck in the sand on a cliff. Vienna stands on the end of the buggy and tries to use her body weight to un-stuck it. DUMB. hope it collapses on you. JKJK!

7) Thank God, someone alerts Jake to the scene. He lifts the entire thing up, with them sitting in it. What. A. Man.

8. They use snow boards to glide down the sand mountains. Everyone in the room with me laughs as Vienna tumbles down some sand and slams to a halt on her face. I watch this show with some harsh people.

9) Tenley and Jake roll down a hill together. It looks as though Tenley has been smashed beneath his hunky body. She tries to laugh, but instead spits out sand.

10) Later, after eating a snack, Jake exclaims “Let’s all roll down the hill, girls!” Everyone ignores him and continues eating. Driving dune buggies can drain a person. They need to regain their strength. Corrie ends up joining Jake for the roll down the hill. Awkwardness commences. Body parts are wedged in strange places and her crotch is shoved into his face…no bueno. She rides his back up the hill and vigorously slaps his butt and screams “andale!” as he struggles.

11) The group heads to “Celebrity Inn” for a little R&R. Ashleigh and Jake have a one-on-one that will go down in history as one of the most awkward bachelor moments. This thing will stand the test of time. I think literally two or three words were spoken, total. The rest of the time was spent with Ashleigh playing with Jake’s jacket, trying to rip it off of him, splaying her legs across him, giving the camera a coochie shot, and rubbing the side of his butt cheek. Jake is not feelin this. Not at all. Can we blame him, folks?

12) Jake asks Vienna for some one-on-one time and she refuses. She would rather be the last girl he talks to before the rose ceremony. Ali’s pupils turn into balls of fire.

13) The other girls are back on the beach with nothing to do. Another card is discovered on the RV windshield. Gia reads “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.” (Oh Harrison. You are an epic poet.) It’s Ella v. Kathryn. Kathryn starts to fret and it takes me a minute to even realize that I’ve seen her before on the show (she’s the girl who kissed Jake onstage at the comedy club, remember?) Ella takes a reflective moment under the moonlight, by the crashing waves. The black waves roll, echoing her darkened heart.

14) Back at the group date, Jake wants to make sure that Tenley is over her ex husband. He lays in her lap and asks her to hash out the painful details of her husband cheating on her. She strokes his head and explains what happened when her skanky husband sinned. Her tears roll down her cheeks and rain onto Jakes upturned face, that she continues to cradle in her lap.

Two-On-One Date

1) Ella asks Jake what he is looking for in a woman, again. We’ve heard it all before, Momma. Come up with something new. Ella takes charge of the convo and Kathryn sits to the side and stares at her salad. Momma drones on about Ethan and Kathryn mutters a feeble “I think….” and is immediately cut off.

2) Jake asks Ella to go outside so they can talk more. They cozy up under a blanket and Momma Ella says “Brrrr, it’s cold out here! You need me to blow your nose, honay?” Too much Momma. Not enough Ella.

3) They come back inside to discover Kathryn kickin back a few more glasses of wine. Jake asks her for some one-on-one time. When they sit down together he has nothing to say as she stares, wide-eyed into his face. “I love your eyes….I just get uh…lost in your eyes…hehe” Jake, stopit.

4) Jake stands on the balcony to make a decision about which lady to let go. Kathryn and Ella awkwardly sit across the dinner table from each other and swirl their drinks. Jake asks to speak to Ella. “You are the complete package and I’m looking for someone to be with for the next 60 years…and I’m not sure you’ll even be alive for that. You’re old. Your son is almost the same age as me and, well….I don’t know what else to say.” Ella takes this news extremely well and ominously says “Be wise with who you choose, young Jake.”

5) Next, Jake rejects Kathryn. “Kathryn, you are honest and abrasive and I respect that. But I’m not your guy.” She stares wide-eyed. “Are you sure about that.” Jake wonders if that is a threat or a question. Her huge eyes stare into his soul, and when she sees no love for her, she turns and leaves. She might have been on drugs. “I still think you’re making a missstake!” She says over her shoulder, slurry speeched. “…Okay.” he says. He then slowly and solemnly burns a rose in the campfire.

Rose Ceremony

1) We see the one called Jesse (who looks slightly like a mouse) talk to Jake. She decides to warn him about Vienna. “I fell that she is self-centered and spoiled. She has crashed a million cars and her dad writes checks for her. I don’t know if you want to be that daddy. She also has a dog named Chl♥e who she expects you to support.” Jake gives Jesse a kiss on the cheek for the info, and she closes her eyes in ecstasy.

2) Harrison breaks up the cocktail party with three ominous tinks on a champagne glass. Ali warns that if Vienna gets a rose she will smack Jake down hard, after she gets her own rose.

3) Jake looks like he might upchuck when he has two roses left. Tears begin to stream down his face. “Ladies, I need a minute”, he says and then stalks off. Instead of running to the bathroom as we expect him to do, he stands in the hallway and talks to a staff member who is standing in the shadows, working a crossword puzzle. The camera man fumbles and runs frantically to keep up. Jake is escorted to Harrison, who’s cracking jokes to a small crowd of crew members in the courtyard. Jake says he needs some advice.

Jake: “There’s a couple of women tonight that I just…what would you do in this situation…I’m sure of one girl and I’m pretty sure of another girl….peanut butter sandwiches are my favorite…Ali looks great in yellow…”

Harrison: “What are you asking.”

Jake: “Do I have to give out two roses?!”

Commercial Break.

Harrison: “I have respected all along the fact that you are trying to find a wife. The fact that you sent two girls home earlier speaks volumes about how serious you are. You know that there are two girls that are not going to be your wife, correct? There are two roses in there….we’ll take one of them away. Let’s do this.” (Harrison is such a man)

4) Like the smooth operator that he is, Harrison comes in and busts out the info on the women eloquently. He shuts them down efficiently, takes a rose away, and mean mugs the camera. Jake is barely keeping it together next to him. Harrison whisks out of the room, leaving Jake alone to complete his task. He holds back some barf, swallows it down, and peers at the girls with glistening eyes.

He picks Vienna. Ali turned into a dragon and screamed fire on the entire group. “HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY KEEP HER?!” she whisper-screams. “MY HEART IS RACING! I CAN FEEL THE HATE RUSHING THROUGH MY VEINS!”

“oooooo, she’s pissed” whispers Corrie.

While Ali quivers with hatred, Ashleigh walks down the street shivering and sniffling, apparently prepared to walk home, without a limo in sight. “You choose Vienna over me?! Really?! You’ve gotta be effing kidding me.”

Going out classy, Ash. Nice.

Last Monday

5 girls remain.

They are in San Francisco. Jake steps out of the revolving door of a swanky hotel in his leather jacket. He greets the girls: “We’re through camping…now we’re stepping it up and doing things that are five star!!!” (cheeeeese)

Tenley gets the first date. She jumps up and down on the couch. The other girls scream in excitement for her (buncha fake beezy’s). She suddenly gets serious and says “Oh my gosh, my heart.” Tenley clutches her chest and stares off with glazed over eyes. Wait…is she okay? Is she having an excitement-induced stroke?! Yikes.

Tenley & Jake’s Date

1) The pair hop on a trolley real quick and tour the city. Tenley looks super cute in her white pea coat and scarf.

2) They tour Chinatown. “You feel like you’re in a foreign country!” exclaims Jake. Yeah…I think that’s the point. “I tried to speak to the people in Chinese when I ordered the strange foreign food. I felt so funny when I put on the funny chinese hats with the fake braid coming down from them.” Good for you, Jake. Make fun of Chinese culture a little more, why don’t ya. Geeze.

3) The couple witness the making of fortune cookies. They decide to make some and write secret messages in them.

4) They run across what seems to be a blind street performer. Abc, this isn’t a movie with Jamie Foxx in it, okay? Disabled street performers aren’t sexy. You’re killing the mood.

5) Back at the hotel, Corrie is announcing the next two on one date: “Ali and Vienna“. The room goes completely silent and somewhere, a fairy dies.

………

“JUST KIDDING” screams Corrie and she collapses in a fit of giggles. The color returns to Ali’s face and she says, “My pulse went through the roof! Oh..um..not because of you….Vienna. Because you know, this is my town.” Okay Ali, what you just said made no sense. Don’t lie, you practically fainted dead-away because you thought you were going on a date with Vienna. Be real, girl.

Meanwhile, Vienna is freaking out. Her feelings are super hurt. Corrie tries to apologize for her cruel (brilliant) joke, but no no. This situation needs to be rectified. Vienna confronts Ali about her being so rude/turning into a fire-breathing dragon at the last rose ceremony. Vienna doesn’t understand why Ali thinks that she is such a bad person. Ali simply replies: “I just hate you. And your face. There’s really no true reason for it.”

Okkkeeey. So, the whole Ali and Vienna date was a big jkjk, and the actual people who are going on the date are Gia and Vienna.

6) Back at Tenley’s date, Jake is telling the camera that she is the one that he pictures the most as his wife. Let’s take a moment to note that the turtle neck that jake is wearing is indeed atrocious. It’s skin tight and terrible.

7) Tenley spills her guts about her relationship with her ex husband and then exclaims “Blaaahhh, where did that come from?!” “Heh Heh Heh…From the heart”, chuckles Jake. Ohhh Jake. Don’t talk.

8. When Tenley asks Jake what he wants out of a marriage, he replies “Love, honor and respect. That’s what they taught us at the flying academy, Ten. The woman that I marry will be the last woman I look at.” Well, Jake. When you say that, I believe you…presh.

9) The fortune cookies arrive after they share a tender kiss. Jake wrote “kiss me” in his. Tenley wrote “kiss me” in her’s. After two cookies demanding kisses, they figure, heck, they better kiss. So they go at it over the asian words of wisdom. I’m thinking to myself that Tenley and Jake are a perfect match.

Two-On-One Date

1) A huge trunk full of clothes arrives for the girls. Vienna squeals uncontrollably. “This is like when daaaaadddyy buys me thiiiingggs!”

2) Jake is waiting for the girls at a castle in the middle of a vineyard. “Let dowwwwn the bridge and allow these wenches to cross the moat!” he cries. Viena: “I’m my dad’s princess and now I’m Jake’s princess too!” Let’s play a game, Vienna. How long can you go without mentioning your daddy? Ready, Set, Go.

Question: Why do the clothes from the trunk that they wore look like they are from Limited Too?

3) The three settle down for some dinner. “You had me shaking in my pants at the rose ceremony” says Vienna. False. You weren’t wearing pants. Vienna starts crying because Ali hates her. Jake awkwardly tries to cuddle Gia while Vienna pours her heart out.

4) Jake asks Gia to come away with him to navigate the dark hallways of the castle. “Why do you do the same special cute cuddly things with other girls that you do with me?! It really hurts me.” says Gia. “I’m sorry Gia, but I’m a versatile man. I cuddle with all manner of women. You aren’t the only one I have affections for, but I am falling for you.” They begin to passionately snog.

5) Vienna takes a lantern and searches the castle for Gia and Jake. She couldn’t stand the thought of them kissing and cuddling. She screams down a dark tunnel “JAAAAKE?!” Vienna is about to bust up Gia and Jake’s makeout sesh. I feel an awkward moment coming on. Vienna searches desperately through barrels of wine. “I’m freaking out right now”, she says. “It’s dark.”  ………..

6) Vienna finally gets Jake for some one-on-one time. “When we get married, I want to be like 6 years old every day. I want to wake up every day and be like “I LOVE YOU!” (she grabs his face and lays one on him….umm…did she just tell him in a roundabout way that she loves him? Awk.

7) While Gia snuggles in for the night, Vienna ventures out into the castle, wine glasses in hand, to find Jake in bed. At first I interpret his facial expression as super annoyed. We find out that it is simply him trying to hold back his passionate lust. Jake says, “I’m laying in my bed. Not quite naked, but close. Vienna wanders into my room, sexy as hell. I assure you, I had dirty thoughts. (chuckle chuckle)”  grrrroooossssss.

8. Jake ends up sending Vienna back to her bed because he feels awkward. “Not getting laid tonight is making me feel very unsure. I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt,” says Vienna.

Corrie and Jake’s Date

1) Quite possibly the worst date ever. I was bored out of my skull. Consequently, I don’t have much to report.

2) Corrie and Jake go row boating. She is desperate for a kiss. She stares at his face, waiting, and it doesn’t happen. The ducks squawk. They laugh. Their faces linger closely…. “Ready for din din?!” Corrie is snapped out of her daze by Jake’s voice. “Wellllp, I’m ready!” It seems as though our Goofy-voiced bachelor cannot spare a peck for Cor.

Ali and Jake’s Date

1) Ali shows Jake around the town. “I want to show you my neighborhood,” she says, “And my apartment…to be more specific, my bedroom.” Jake’s reply: “What’s your favorite flower?” Ali: “You’re my big flower.” ….?? That was weird.

2) When Jake asks Ali if she would ever leave San Francisco, she looks horrified and chokes a little. “Well..would you ever consider living in Texas?” asks Jake. “OH MY GOD, I LOVE TEXAS!” screams Ali. Nice lie, Al.

3) If I had a dime for every time Ali says “my city” during this date…I’d be an aristocrat.

4) Jake demands for Ali to tell him why she hates Vienna so much. Ali cowardly dances around the subject. Hold up. What happened to the sassyness that happened before, when Ali threatened to give Jake “A talkin’ to” if he gave Vienna a rose at the last ceremony?! The dragon is nowhere in sight.

5) After their heavy talk, Ali and Jake jump into the ocean fully clothed. Nobody knows why.

Rose Ceremony

1) Tenley and Jake ballroom dance.

2) Corrie: “Do you think I’m gross because I’m a virgin?” Jake: “No.”

3) “Whyyyy won’t Viennaaaa goooo hommmmee??!” whisper-screams a bewildered Tenley.

4) Jake takes Vienna to a special view on the balcony of the hotel to reassure her of his growing affections. Nobody knows why.

5) Corrie is rejected. Everyone is devastated that Vienna has survived yet again. Jake escorts Corrie to the limo and they hug it out. Jake, eyes bloodshot, says “You’re amazing, Corrie.” and gives her a quick hand squeeze.

Alright, we’ve caught up a little, but last night’s episode must be blogged about: Hometown dates, dead grandmothers, and Gia’s mom. I’ll get the recap for that one up as soon as I can.

-V

“I Shoulda Kissed Ya”

You thought last week was rough? Sure, Roz was skanky, but now we’ve got some fierce drama on our hands. The girls in the house have officially turned on each other. And I must say, I was a tad disappointed by some of my favorites. Ali attacked, Vienna cried, Michelle split and Corrie was a regular stand-up comedian. Let’s begin the recap.

We begin with our dear host, Harrison, speaking to the girls. “Ladies, last week was rough when I had to send that treacherous vixen home…but in the spirit of moving on, let’s talk about dates!”

Vienna is presented with the first one on one date. Devastation rolls like a tremor through all girls present. Vienna bursts into tears of pure joy. The camera pans over to Michelle, who appears to be muttering dark magic curses under her breath as her eyes pierce into Vienna’s tanned, joyous face. Michelle tells the camera, “I think of myself as very attractive and I think that Vienna is the opposite of what I am from the outside”. Well, for her sake, I hope Vienna is the opposite of you on the inside too, hun. You crazy.

Vienna’s Date

1) Jake picks up Vienna on, you guessed it, his motorcycle. All of the girls watch them leave with pure hatred. Every single woman in that house finds Vienna physically atrocious. Perhaps its her fake blond hair? Perhaps her face looks slightly like a rodent or bird of some sort? It’s hard to pinpoint what exactly sets off the ugly that the women clearly see in her. We hear several of the girls gag in disgust as Vienna turns and raises a lanky arm to wave at them. Somewhere from within the depths of the house we hear an unidentified girl scream “I’m SO much prettier than her!!”

2) Even Jake is aware that Vienna isn’t the prettiest:  ”I’m willing to go out on a date with Vienna because I feel like I need to date girls that I don’t…normally date….you know, girls that aren’t as…aesthetically plea-” But of course, Jake caught himself mid-sentence there. He’s too much of a nice guy to ever say the wrong thing.

3) A helicopter comes and picks up the pair while they are standing on a grassy mount. Vienna tells the camera that she is a little scared of helicopters (Nice try, V, but Ali already did the whole scared bit with the airplane. You are officially sloppy seconds.)

**Meanwhile, Back at the Mansion**

The girls are lounging around the pool and talking smack on Vienna. “If she’s his type then I’m not…” We see the first signs of an uprising. I sense that this could possibly turn into a blood-seeking clan of she-killers. Watch out, V. You are most definitely outnumbered.

4) There appears a bridge between two rocky mountains in the middle of literally nowhere. Hmm. What could this bridge be for? There are clearly no roads on either side… Could this bridge perhaps be a magical passage between two mountainous, mystical worlds? But that is impossible. Only one thing makes sense: Bungee jumping.

5) As soon as she sees the bridge, Vienna fights down a rush of puke. She glances over at Jake, who has his head between his legs and is sending a text message to Harrison that reads: “I need my Momma. Plz send her 2 this God forsaken bridge, located in Hades”. Tears stream down his face as he shakily presses “send” and reduces to a whimpering pile next to Vienna. So much for a knight in shining armor, right?

6) As Vienna contemplates (ironically) jumping out of the helicopter to escape the possibility of having to bungee jump, she also wonders why Jake the pilot is terrified of heights. Because that makes zero sense.

7) …Jake kissed Vienna on the bungee cord. And apparently it was unlike any kiss he has ever had in his 31 years. Well guess why, Jake. Because the adrenaline was pumping through your veins so hard that you felt like a super hero. Pretty sure if Flava Flav had kissed you on that bungee cord you wouldn’t have known the difference.

Question: Since they were swinging around so much after that jump, how did they not knock each other’s teeth out whilst snogging? Food for thought.

8. Jake tells the camera, “I really feel like risking my life today really brought Vienna and I together. I couldn’t imagine making that leap and possibly being smashed against jagged, waiting rocks with anybody else.”

**Meanwhile, Back at the Mansion**

The group date card arrives: “Love is no laughing matter…or is it?”

It clearly isn’t a laughing matter for crazy face Michelle. Upon realizing that she will not be getting a one-on-one date, she stalks off to construct a voodoo doll mysteriously resembling Jake.

9) Back at Vienna’s date…it’s sexy sexy hot tub tiiiiime! Jake presents Vienna with the rose in the hot tub. She thinks to herself, what do i do with this? stick it in my hair? let it float atop the warm bubbling waters of the hot tub? pitch it poolside? this is awkward.

10) Vienna arrives at the mansion bearing the precious rose. The girls are dumbfounded. I almost heard the jaws hit the floor. “I was on cloud JAKE the entiiiire night!” exclaims Vienna. “I would rather watch paint dry than listen about Vienna’s date”, says Ashleigh. Many of the girls who we as viewers once found innocent and precious have suddenly become vicious. All I can think is: dang. is Vienna just a major beezy and we aren’t seeing it? i think it’s time for Harrison to clue us in on what’s going on in that mansion! But no, no. Sadly, Harrison does not come through for us on this.

Group Date

1) We see the women walking up to a waiting Jake. “I seeeeee him! HE’S RIGHT THERE!!!” ….give you one guess who that was. Yep. Crazy face Michelle. She runs at him full speed, like a demon chasing an innocent soul to possess. She tackles him full force, demanding a hug. A terror-stricken Jake feebly wraps his arms around her gaunt torso.

2) The girls are lead to a comedy club. Out steps Jon Lovitz. He informs the girls that they will be performing a little stand-up comedy for Jake. That’s right beezy’s! If you aint got the funny, you aint got the rose!

**Meanwhile, Back at the Mansion**

The second one-on-one date card arrives. Momma Ella gets the date. “It’s finally mah turn, mah day!”, Momma drawls. The card reads: “Let’s lift off to another world” Vienna decides to get Ella pumped for her date by describing how amazing Jake is one-on-one. Instead she completely ruins Momma Ella’s high. “When you are alone with Jake and all of his attention is on you it’s just like you’re on-” Cloud Jake. Yeah, Vienna. We know.

3) Back at the group date…Ashleigh begins to cry because she is positive that she  can’t be funny on command. Jake quickly takes a napkin and writes down a hilarious joke for Ashleigh to tell. No worries, guys.

4) Jon Lovitz does some stand-up. Not funny.

5) Ali is up first. “Why was tigger looking in the toilet?…He was looking for pooooooo HAHAHAHAHAH” Ali, you’re my homegirl, but the way you just laughed at your own joke? It was bordering on hysterics and made me embarrassed.

6) Tenley does a weird contortionist body pretzel onstage. Not exactly stand-up comedy (more like freak-show circus act), but we’ll roll with it.

7) Elizabeth gets onstage and is so incredibly raunchy that abc has to bleep her out several times. As she lets out a long stream of explicit words, the camera cuts to Jake who is laughing in confusion and bewilderment. What happened to the innocent yet sexy girl who extracted a crumpled letter of chastity out of her skin tight jeans? She is nowhere to be found.

8. Kathryn brings Jake onstage just to kiss him. As she tries to continue with her routine, a spit-wad flies from the balcony and hits her in the eye. Michelle coughs and looks at the ceiling.

9) Michelle explains to the camera that when she and Jake have their first kiss, there is going to be “crazy tongue in your mouth, with pulling hair and ripping clothes off”. (Terrifying). She gets on stage and begins to tell her “jokes”: “I noticed that there are no coconuts on the trees around here…well that’s probably because they are on me, waiting for Jake.” The audience cringes. “I’m waiting on the green, but I’m waiting for that hole to get that one-on-one. Everyone groans. The camera doesn’t even bother to show Jake, who is most likely holding back barf at the thought of Michelle ever exposing her “coconuts” to him.

10) Corrie gets onstage and did impressions of all of the girls. This turned into hardcore Vienna-bashing. The girls are busting guts right and left because they are laughing SO hard at this. Jake laughs, but mainly stares at the other girls, who suddenly have evil gleams in their eyes as tears of hate roll down their cheeks while they double over in laughter.

11) The group heads to a penthouse party after the comedy club. Tenley takes jake aside to tell him about her past. At the end of her tearful confession, she tells Jake, “I want to kiss you, but I don’t want to get lipstick marks all over your face!” In a care-free attiutude, Jake kisses her passionately on the lips. “You smell goooood” she gushes. I have decided that I really like Tenley. She’s on the top of my list, right next to Ali.

12) Jake takes Ashleigh to the side for some one-on-one time. I don’t like her. She immediately brings up Vienna and explains that not only she, but all of the girls were livid and upset when she came back to the house with a rose. She explains to Jake that she was annoyed about Vienna gushing about the intimate moments she shared with him. I’m thinking…really? is that the best reason you can find for hating her?! i’m gonna need some better ones.

**Meanwhile, Back at the Mansion**

Gia is confronting Vienna. “There is unneccessary drama in this house, and you are the cause! …I am the only person that has stuck up for you and you are losing me Vienna!” …Um, GiGi? I’m pretty sure Vienna could care less about losing you. She only cares about staying on Cloud Jake, okay?

…Is this whole Vienna thing reminding anybody of Juanita from Jillian’s season? haha….ohhhh Juanita.

We see Vienna in her bedroom crying over a heartfelt note that she is writing to Jake. Tears spill across the lined paper as she sobs loudly. She attempts to talk it out to the camera, but her bitter tears make her incoherent. We never hear what she writes in the letter.

13) Back at the penthouse party, Ali and Jake are having some alone time. Ali brings up Vienna AGAIN. wowww. We see Michelle standing on a nearby balcony and throwing her head back to howl at the heathen gods for not yet granting her time alone with Jake.

14) The girls sit in a circle with glasses of sparkling champagne. The suddenly turned blood-thirsty Ali tells Corrie that she has mad respect for her because she publicly trashed Vienna. Cheers to Corrie. Ali makes the mistake of asking Michelle why she is not joining in the toast. For some reason this sends Michelle off the deep end.

“I am ready to get married and to give my mom another grandbaby! Everyone in my family says its my turn, so I WILL be here at the end! I didn’t leave my family! my job! my life! to play!!! I’m here for LOVE! you guys are ATTACKING MEEE! MY MOTHER IS DYING FOR AN EVIL SPAWN!!!!”

………………………?

…I think I speak for all of us in saying that we were all a tad confused as to how Ali asking her to join a pact/alliance against Vienna in mutual hate had anything to do with Michelle’s hopes and dreams to birth grandchildren….but that’s literally the succession of events that came into place. Once again, Michelle is the definition of insanity.

15) Michelle cries in a corner and then stalks off to grab Jake. “Jake, listen…I’m not over-emotional or dramatic, I’m just here for love. I feel that I’m the only person that’s truly here for that reason. I really really really want a husband..and I can’t continue this process not knowing if you are feeling the same way” (Jake’s eyes dart frantically left and right for the emergency exit. He remains silent) Michelle continues, “Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you to see if I could feel something??” Jake’s eyebrows shoot straight up into his hairline. After a moment of agony in which he considers jumping over the edge of the balcony or faking a seizure, he agonizingly brings his face toward her’s.

She wraps her mouth all over his. He is frozen in disgust and horror. Finally, she pulls away and sickening *smack* echoes as her lips separate from his. “ARE YOU KIDDING?! You’ve GOTTA give me more than that. That SUCKED!…WHY do you have your head down?!”

“Because I’m disgusted to look at you, Michelle! It felt like I was kissing a dementor and all of my joy and happiness was being sucked form my body in a vortex of doom!” …Okay, Jake didn’t say that. But he was thinkin it. What Jake actually said was, “I’m just ready for this night to be over. I need to be home and I need to digest all of this” aka I need to escape from you.

16) Michelle says, “I can’t stay. Not being able to kiss you right now hurts me. If you want me to stay, I will.” Jake pretends to care and then says he wants her the hell out. “I can’t believe you’re doing it” she whispers as she stares daggers into his face. Awkward.

We see Michelle on the street waiting for the green taxi van to collect her. “Certain people felt that I was the girl to win this and then he kicked me to the curb.” Really, Michelle? Because, as I recall, you were the one who requested to leave…? “I think you should all feel sorry for Jake, not me” she says and we see her extract what looks curiously like a voodoo doll from her purse as she disappears into the taxi’s interior.

Ella’s Date

1) A helicopter lands in front of the house to pick the pair up and for some reason, Ella is surprised by this. She claims that she couldn’t have imagined it in a million years. Come on Ella, you can’t tell me that you couldn’t have at least imagined that happening in a hundred years? Or even a thousand years maybe? There are at least 20 helicopter rides every season of this show, get real.

**Meanwhile, Back at the Mansion**

Vienna gathers the girls together to apologize to them. Ali’s havin none of it. She straight up tells Vienna that she sucks, and that she wishes she had never gotten a rose. Vienna bursts into tears and the girls stare coldly and emotionlessly.

2) While on the helicopter ride, we hear Ella’s voiceover say that she wishes Ethan could be with her to experience all of this. I’m pretty sure Ethan would rather scoop poop than watch his mother throw herself at a strange man. But that was a nice thought, Momma.

3) Once they have reached Sea World, Momma Ella and Jake rest on a park bench, and suddenly have champagne glasses in their hands. “I left my soul behind”, says Ella. She misses her kid so much. Ethan runs up and Ella tries to act surprised that he is there even though she totally saw that one coming, because A) Jake has been asking about Ethan all day B) Jake is terrible at keeping secrets/being sneaky and C) Ethan called her earlier that morning to ask where she put his traveling pillow with the dinosaur print.

4) The trio goes to explore Sea World. Ethan and Jake bond as Jake helps him zip up his coat before frolicking with the penguins. Ethan is officially adorable. Jake presents Ethan with a paper airplane that he fashioned out of a kit. Ethan thinks, what the heezy is this?! i want a plastic fly bomber one at least…can’t this guy afford better? could he even take care of me and my mom?! i have a heavy lunchables habit that needs to be supported.

5) Ella tells Ethan to split and play with his cheap airplane so she and Jake can have some grown-up talk. Momma Ella straight up says that she can see herself being engaged to Jake. She says that she would love to have more children and thinks have you seen my body? if i can bounce back after that big boy over there, i can do anything. After her speech, Jake gives Ella a friend hug. Or maybe he just didn’t want to snog her in front of the kid.

Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony

1) Elizabeth and Jake have alone time. “Are you good at back rubs?…okay good. I don’t have a dress on that is appropriate for you to get in there, but hopefully I’ll get the chance to feel you do that.” As she says this in a sultry voice, she touches his arm, his knee, his upper thigh….

Jake has had it. “You are straight up playin games wit me gurl.” (he’s not ghetto but it’s more fun to tell it this way) “You are confusin becuz you be havin a lot of different sides and I don’t know what’s goin on witchu.” Elizabeth is taken aback. “I do want to kiss you…”  she says (she bites her lips and licks them as she stares across at him). “NAW GURL! You missin da point! shooo, all I’m sayin iz I’ve known peeps to not kiss for spiritual reasonz, but I don’t think that’s whut it iz for you. If you be tryna tease me gurl dat aint right.”

Elizabeth tells the camera: “The only thing I’m guilty of is being flirtatious. He is confused. By me.” No no no, sister. You are confused by yourself. Jake wasn’t demanding you to kiss him like some sex-crazed lunatic, he was just asking you not to tease him. Get it right.

2) “I am not just vanilla, I am all colors of the rainbow,” says Elizabeth. “I’m not here because I’m desperate for a man, I can get a man any day of the week. I don’t understand why he is pressuring me to kiss him. If he doesn’t cross my bar, he’s cut off. How dare he think that this is his choice to make?! I am a hottie. I could have been married by now but I am too good for any man on this planet as far as I have seen. I am choosing him and he needs to remember that.

False, Elizabeth. False. He is choosing you. This is a show that we like to call “the Bachelor”…meaning Jake, who is in fact the bachelor, gets to choose a woman. Not the other way around.

3) Ali v. Vienna. A bitter and epic battle. Who will win? Who will die an agonizing death? Stay tuned for results.

4) I feel sorry for Jake by the end of this episode. The drama that has been coming from these crazy beezy’s is too much to handle. Gia gets the first rose. When Ali is called, Vienna looks away in horror (the battle shall rage on…)

5) Elizabeth = Eliminated. Her last words are “I shoudla kissed ya”. I hold myself back from chucking a pillow at the tv. Don’t be fooled, viewer. Her tears are not for lost love. They are vein tears. “What’s done is done, SUCKA!” she yells and then disappears into the night, leaving only her legacy as the ultimate tease behind for us to remember her by.

Sorry it took me so long to post! Cheers to the drama.

-V

Drunk

Oh the power of inebriation. I can’t stress it enough, people: As long as the alcohol is free-flowing and plentiful, this show will not disappoint. These women get drunk and I become hysterical as I witness it. I mean the things that they say…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Group Date #1: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

1) Jake wears a blue button-up shirt that is seriously buttoned down. I am here to report that there was no man-fur creepin’ up his chest, for those that would be concerned.

2) If you noticed an awful lot of bare skin and butt cheeks when Jake came to pick up the girls invited to the first group date, it was because many were lounging around the living room in their swim suits. Nice.

3) On the date, a seriously flamboyant man tells the girls that they will be participating in a photo shoot for In Style magazine. Christina (Treat Bag girl) immediately starts to hyperventilate.

**Time Out** What? Isn’t Christina the beezy that was so confident in the first episode? Confident enough to chuck jelly beans at her fellow competitors? Well, this is a change of pace if I ever saw one.

4) Rozlyn, who prides herself in being a professional model, stares at a fellow bachelorette with a smirk and says,”So…have you done this before? Oh, no? I’ve done it plenty of times…I want to bite Jake! He looks delicious!” …..Ooookey.

4) Back to Christina. “I’m freaking oooooouuuut. My hands are dripping in sweat like a five year old getting ready for recess with his girlfriend!” Chris, don’t try to drag five year olds into the conversation to distract from your behavior. Between picking buggers, circle circle dot-dotting cooties away, and making armpit fart noises, a 5 year old has no time to get nervous about a girl. You make bad analogies, Christina.

5) Rozlyn the model is taking her pictures. The cameraman exclaims that she is “lovely”. I barf. I note that the cameraman is rockin’ a dirty stache. I am dumbfounded as I witness Rozlyn flash her vajayjay at the camera. Christina bursts into tears because she’s pretty darn sure her vajayjay doesn’t look as good as a professional model’s.

6) It’s Christina’s turn to take pictures. She commands the cameraman to make her look skinny with big boobs (aka turn her into Rozlyn) He shakes his head and his upper lip whiskers ruffle as he wistfully whispers, “Impossible”.

7) Christina might as well have “I Hate My Body” written on her forhead as she walks up to get her picture taken. Her internal struggle with body image is no secret, my friends. From Jake or the rest of America. Jake quickly puts her at ease by telling her that she looks beautiful and nuzzling her hair.

8. The group heads to a hotel. Gia massages her chest (not sensual…awkward) as she talks to Jake on their one on one time. She props her legs across Jake. They are trying to have a very serious conversation when Ashleigh walks up in a sexy swimsuit to steal him away. Jake’s eyes get huge as he says, “We will continue this later, Gia. A hot bod beckons.” Gia pouts and says “Maaaaybe I should put myyy swimsuit oonnn” in a child-like voice. Good plan, Gia. You go do that.

9) Once the girls have stripped down to the bare essentials, Christina starts to lose it again. Surprise, surprise. With shapely bare butt cheeks, Firm torso’s and big boobs all around, Christina starts to feel inadequate. And the only way to start feeling better is to get hammered, naturally.

***Meanwhile, back at the Mansion***

A clue for the one-on-one date arrives. A diamond Necklace. And you know what they say: “Diamonds are a girl’s be”- -wait what? That’s not the saying?! The saying is actually: “Diamonds attract insane, rabid girls”?– Sounds about right.

Michelle prys open the box to reveal the necklace. With slow, extremely anunciated and calculated words she explains to the girls that she believes the girl who puts on the necklace will get the date. As she holds the necklace in her greedy claws and begins to brush the diamonds against her collar bone, I think to myself,  I’m scared.

The camera switches to her saying “…diamonds diamonds diamonds diamonnnnddds….ohhh…uhhh…ohh wow. I really want this date.” (People! I am terrified of this woman! Get! Her! Away!)

***Back at the Group Date***

10) Christina has pulled Jake aside. She is smashed at this point. She starts to sing the Twilight Zone theme music. “I feeelzzzlike a normuull gurl against allofthe modelzzzz here”, she says as she hiccups. Rozlyn rescues her from further self-destruction by stealing Jake away. At that, Christina looks at the camera, hoists one finger in the air and proclaims, “I think weeee need another shot!” Noooooo ya don’t sister. Absolutely not.

11) When Rozlyn drags Jake away from the drunken Christina she squeals “I had no time with you, I’m startin to feel lik a leper! Whats wronnngg with me, Jake?!” Because you’re right, Roz. How you’re feeling right now, poolside with cocktails a-plenty and a handsome man to stare at? That’s exactly what it feels like to be a leper. For sure.

12) Mid-convo with Jake, Rozlyn jumps at his face for a kiss. And then she eats him. He tries to chuckle and break away, but she’s havin none of it. Afterward he awkwardly says “Nice.” (smooth one, Jake) Jake is intrigued by this fake-boobed, hair-extension clad vixen, and scurries off to fetch the rose to bestow upon her.

13) About two shots and a couple of margaritas later, Christina is blubbering at the camera about not getting the rose. She contorts her face disturbingly in what is recognizable as distress.

One-On-One Date: “Come Fly With Me”

The doorbell rings and Michelle flings herself outside, running and screaming. I shudder at the sight of her. She tells the camera that women have a “certain female intuition” and her’s is telling her that she will win this date. Of course, Ali gets the date. Michelle blinks and stares at her with an open mouth.

As she is being bestowed with diamonds, Ali gets teary-eyed. I find this adorable rather than annoying. I adore Ali. Ali looks great in yellow and she knows it, because she wears a cute little strapless yellow cocktail dress for the date. Jake comes to pick her up. He says, and I quote: “I hope you’re not afraid of daredevil stuff!” I half expect him to say “uhuh-huh well gawrsh!” in a goofy voice. This man kills me when he speaks sometimes.

Jake takes Ali on a plane ride (NO WAY! who didn’t see this one coming. It’s okay I won’t judge if you admit it. Okay, yes I will.) Ali is afraid of planes. She screams at take-off and tries not to pass out because, after all, it is her one-on-one date. She manages to strangle out “it’s…so…beaut-iful…up here” as she feverishly wipes her brow. but eventually she gets the hang of it.

Question: Is there a special gps system that tells Jake how to get to magical dates while he drives around in vintage cars/motorcycles? Food for thought.

Ali and Jake’s date is precious. Ali – final 3. No doubt.

Group Date #2: Amusement Park

1) Michelle was not invited. She licks her lips sporadically at the realization. “Apparently, Jake has shown me that he doesn’t want to be with me.” Her eyes dart right and left, up and down, diagonal and diagonal. She. Is. Crazed. She tells the camera, “I am who he is supposed to be with!! I am not an ordinary woman. I am different.” Yeah, we figured as much.

2) Elizabeth is big competition on this date. She tells the camera, “Now that I have run my hands all over him and felt how stacked he is, I have decided that he is the one for me.” She pulls him away from the other girls and snuggles up to him in front of the oversized stuffed animals. She struggles to pull a crumpled piece of paper from her skin-tight jeans. After a short time of scrambling, she produces the…letter? that she has written him which basically says, “Thou shalt not kiss me”. Interesting decision. It’s weird that you had to read it out from a crumpled napkin in your jeans pocket, but I’ll roll with it.

3) Jake says “I love these girls…they behave like they’re 12 and that’s great to me.” Well Jake I gotta admit…that’s disgusting to me.

4) Vienna pulls Jake aside to unload some heavy info on him. I am thinking uh oh. is she gonna unveil that she has a child? named Chl♥e? that is furry all over and requires regular grooming?

5) Ashley (the one who dressed up as a flight attendant) with googly eyes and a muppet voice screams at the camera “MAYBE HE DOESN’T WANT TO KISS ME!! HOW COULD HE NOT WANT TO KISS ME??!!” Well…nobody asked me but…I could think of a few reasons. Your muppet voice being a prevalent one.

6) After having told him that he could not kiss her, Elizabeth ruins herself by wearing her berry lipgloss, getting really close to Jake’s face and murmuring, “Do you want to kiss me?” and gazing at him under heavily lidded eyes. And then she tells him that she wants to kiss him. so so bad. Elizabeth! STOP!

Rose Ceremony

1) It’s Momma Ella’s birthday. Jake brings her a cupcake. She looks down at it and says, “Honay, if it isn’t a rose, I don’t want it.” And looks devastated as she blows out the single, puny candle. She pitches the cupcake while his back is turned and thinks to herself are you kidding?! i’ve already had a kid and it’s all i can do to keep this figure. i don’t eat sweets, honay.

2) Remember when Michelle was threatening to pack her bags earlier? Guess what. She’s still here. And the crazy is in full throttle. She tells the other girls that if Jake doesn’t come and talk to her, she’s gonna step out and act a straight fool at the rose ceremony. I shiver.

3) Rozlyn is discovered to be indeed a hoe. Were we surprised by this? I wasn’t. She seemed sketch. Poor Harrison had to confront her about the “inappropriate relationship” that she had with a staff member. They aren’t quite up front about what an “inappropriate relationship” entails, but I think it’s safe to say that they weren’t just hugging it out.

“I don’t think that my personal life is really anybody’s business.” says Rozlyn. Harrison looks bewildered. You and me both, Hare. “This is something that I take very personally. You insult me, Roz, and it takes a lot to get me angry so you can see how bad this is. I’m more pissed than I even was about Wes. Maybe you should take a lesson from him: Love don’t come easy.” Rozlyn looks like a kid that’s been sent to the principals office. She mutters, “Well, this puts me in a very bad position.” Well yeah, Rozlyn. Being a hoe is a pretty bad position.

With that, Harrison points her in the direction of her room and orders her to pack and leave immediately. As she turns to leave, I notice her ridiculous hairdo. Anybody else wonder what was going on there? Bun or ponytail, Roz. Pick one. You can’t rock both of em. When Jake finds out he is very hurt and disappointed because he thought that Roz could have been the one. A big fat guy in a newsboy hat watches Rozlyn get her stuff ready to go and it takes her ages to pack, as she totters around her room in nine inch heels. We see a wilted rose in the foreground of the shot. Nice touch, cameraman.Question: Did big boy watch as Rozlyn changed into her jeans, shirt and stylish scarf? Harrison wouldn’t allow such a thing, would he?!

4) Harrison breaks the news to the girls that Rozlyn is leaving. They all cry. …excuse me, what? I don’t understand why tears would be shed so passionately on this occasion.

[Click here to read Harrison's blog about the "scandal"] http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/01/12/chris-harrison-blogs-bachelor-scandal/

5) In her camera time, Vienna grapples for a word to call Rozlyn. I can help you out here, V. Promiscuous…Lady of the Evening…Conniving….Fake-boobed…? Am I helping? Take your pick.

6) After everyone has dried their ridiculous and uncalled for tears and recouped, the rose ceremony commences. Interestingly enough, Vienna is called first. Hmm.

7) Crazy-eyed Ashley and Jelly Bean Christina don’t make the cut. It would have been sweet, sweet irony if Harrison had presented Christina with a treat bag of jelly bellies upon her departure. But Harrison isn’t as cruel as I. During Christina’s camera time, she hears forced laughter emanating through the courtyard from within the Mansion. Her left eye becomes immediately blood-shot. She turns toward the laughter, hugs herself, and cries it out.

haha.

And now, in parting, a little heartfelt message from me: Friends don’t let friends drink and go on national television.

I leave you with this gift:  

-V